The Trail Ride

An old cowboy was riding his horse down an unfamiliar trail with his faithful dog, Butch, walking along side.  The cowboy was enjoying the day when all of a sudden he remembered being shot in an ambush a way back.  He looked down and realized Butch, who was walking beside him, had died several years earlier as did his horse, Champ, the one he was now riding.  Confused, he wondered where he was riding to on this unfamiliar trail.  

 

 

Around a bend he saw a high, white marble wall.  Down the trail a piece, he saw a large golden gate in the wall that was topped with a huge golden letter "H" that sparkled in the sunlight.   As he rode closer, he saw magnificent streets inside the gate.  Some were painted gold and others were paved with mother of pearl.  As he continued looking inside, he saw a man sitting under a tree.  Parched and plum tuckered out from his trail ride he called out,  "Excuse me Mister.  Where are we?'' 

"Why this is Heaven", the man answered. 

"Wow!" said the cowboy.  "Would you happen to have some water inside?"  

"Of course we do partner", said the old man.  "Come on in, and I’ll pour you a tall glass." 

As the golden gate began to open, the cowboy and his dog and horse started to enter when the man inside jumped up and shouted, "Sorry fella.  "We don't allow animals in here." 

The cowboy thought for a moment, then pulled back on the reins and turned his horse back towards the road.  "Come on Butch, let’s go.   Thanks Mister, but we’ll be getting along." Then the cowboy, Champ and Butch continued down the trail. 

After a very long trail ride, the cowboy was coming down a steep hill and noticed a wooden fence with an open gate.  As he approached the gate, the cowboy saw a man sitting under a tree reading a book.   "Excuse me Mister", he called to the man.  "Do you have any water?'' 

"Sure do.  There's a pump right over there.  Go help yourself to all you want."  

"How about my friends?" the cowboy asked. 

"Why of course!  They look thirsty too; bring em on in", said the man. 

The trio went through the gate and headed straight to the old-fashioned hand pump.   There were buckets beside the pump and the cowboy got down from his horse, pumped the handle and filled two buckets with wonderfully cool water.  He put one down for his horse and the other for his dog.   He then picked up a tin cup, pumped the cup full and took a drink. When all three had quenched their thirst, the cowboy walked over to the man who was sitting under the tree.  "What do you call this place here?" asked the cowboy. 

"Why this is Heaven", the man answered.

"Heaven?  Now ain’t that confusing? The other man down the trail a piece by that big white marble wall said that was Heaven."  

''Oh, you mean the place with the cheap glitzy paint and fake mother of pearl streets?" the old man replied. 

"Yeah", said the cowboy.  

"No son, that was Hell", said the old man.

The cowboy pushed his hat back so it titled up and said, "Well now, doesn’t that make you angry when those folks down there use your name like that?" 

"No, not really", said the old man.  "We’re kind of happy they are down there." 

"You are? Why?" asked the cowboy. 

"Well, to tell you the truth," the old man replied, "They do a good job screening out the folks who’d leave their friends behind just so they could get a drink of water for themselves."

There is One Difference



A man died in a violent car accident and found himself standing in front of the Pearly Gates.   Before him stood St. Peter reading from The Book of Deeds.   When St. Peter finished his reading, he closed the book, looked at the man and said, "Your life has not been the best, yet on the other hand, it was by no means the worst.  Where would you prefer to spend your eternity - Heaven or Hell?"

"You mean we have a choice?" asked the man.

 

"Not always, but in your case since your deeds are right on the border, I will make an exception", St. Peter replied.

The man thought silently then asked, "Could I see both Heaven and Hell before I choose?"  St. Peter thought that was an excellent idea and agreed.   He led the man down a hallway that ended with two doors - one was labeled Hell, the other labeled Heaven.   St. Peter pointed to the door labeled Hell and said, "Feel free to go on in."

The man pushed on the door and immediately heard beautiful music playing.  When he entered Hell, he saw a huge banquet hall filled with thousands of long wooden tables.  People wearing beautiful silk robes were seated at the tables.

On each table were large baskets full of fresh fruit and platters made of gold piled high with delicious foods from around the world.   As he walked through Hell, he noticed something odd.   Every person seated at the tables had large wooden knives and forks strapped to their forearms.   The knives and forks were at least three feet long, making it impossible for anyone to eat the food that was placed before them.

When he left Hell, St. Peter pointed to the door labeled Heaven.   As the man pushed open Heaven's door, he once again heard beautiful music.   Upon entering Heaven, he again saw a large banquet hall full of long wooden tables. Again all the people, exquisitely dressed, were sitting at the tables.   On each table again were baskets of fruit and platters of fine foods.  Finally, he noticed that all the people in Heaven also had large three foot wooden knives and forks strapped to their forearms.

Upon stepping back in the hallway, St. Peter asked, "Well, you have seen them both.  Are you ready to make your decision?" 

 

"Well," said the man, "There really doesn't seem to be that much difference between the two; however, I did notice one odd thing."

"What was that?" inquired St. Peter.

 

"Well, the people in Hell all look sad; their bodies are gaunt and frail as if they were all starving. Yet the people in Heaven are laughing and smiling and all look happy, well nourished and healthy. How could that be, St. Peter?  Everything appears to be equal?"

Enthusiasm vs. Experience

One day a huge US Air Force cargo plane was lumbering across the sky over the Pacific Ocean.  It was on its way to a remote Air Force Base in the Philippines.  Out of nowhere came a small jet aircraft streaking across the sky; the young jet jockey wanted to show off his flying skills for his cargo hauling colleagues.

The young pilot flew his smaller craft alongside the bulky transport, came on the radio and said to the transport pilot, “Watch this!”  Immediately the jet pilot went into a steep climb soaring up several thousand feet.  He then nosed his plane down and did a series of spectacular barrel rolls.  After leveling off in front of the cargo plane, he ignited his afterburners and shot across the horizon creating a loud sonic boom.  Finally he returned alongside the transport and asked, “Well what did you think of that?”

The older cargo pilot said, “Very impressive.”

 

“Well old man, show me what you can do with that garbage bucket you are flying.” 

 

“Okay watch this,” said the cargo pilot!  The jet jockey maintained his air speed alongside the cargo plane and waited.  For five minutes, the cargo plane rambled along.  Then the pilot came on the air and said, “Well son, what did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the young jet jockey asked, “What the heck did you do?”

 

The seasoned cargo pilot said, “Well, let’s see.  First, I took off my seat harness.  I then stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the plane, said hi to all the crew members, picked up an updated weather forecast, went to the restroom, washed my face, combed my hair, poured a cup of coffee and picked up a cinnamon roll.  I am now seated back behind the controls enjoying a nice cup of coffee and a delicious roll.”

The moral to this story – When one is young and inexperienced, speed and flash are the preferred methods to get a job done.  However, when one matures and acquires wisdom, comfort and dullness are generally the best way to perform most jobs.

Around The Corner

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end.
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friend's face,
For life is a swift and a terrible race.
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.

And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.

"Tomorrow," I say! "I will call on Jim,
Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram Sir, Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end,
For around the corner I have a vanished friend.

Give`em Only What They Need

A young Minister and his family were transferred to a small rural community.  On the eve of his first Sunday, a major snow storm hit the area.  When he and his family awoke on Sunday morning, there was nearly three feet of snow outside. "Do you think we’ll be able to have a service today?" his wife asked.

 

"Quite honestly, no," he replied.  "I just don't see how anyone will be able to make it to church through all this snow."

Well, two minutes before the start of the scheduled service, a loud engine roar was heard in the distance.  When the family ran to the windows, they saw a farmer driving his big John Deere tractor and he was heading straight for the church. When the farmer arrived in front of the church, he jumped down off the seat.

The Minister ran out to greet him and the farmer said, "Reverend, I hope you don’t mind me driving my tractor this morning, but I just couldn’t make it through all this snow with my car."  Then the farmer realized the parking lot was empty and he was the only person at the church.

"Maybe you weren’t planning on holding services today?" he inquired.

 

"Not at all.  We are glad you are here, please come in.  We would be delighted to hold a service for you," replied the Minister.  As they walked into the church, his wife began to play the organ and his children, who were sitting in the choir loft, began to sing.

About an hour and a half later when the Minister finished his sermon, he walked to the back of the church, stood by the door and personally thanked the farmer for attending his first service in his new community.  Curious as to how he did, the Minister asked the farmer, "Did you enjoy the service this morning?" 

 

"I sure did," said Farmer Brown, "but to tell you the truth Preacher, it may have been just a bit too much."

"Too much?" replied the Minister.  "What do you mean, too much?"

 

"Well you see Preacher, I am just a simple farmer. The only responsibility I have is to feed my cows when they come home from the fields each night.  Once in a while after a big storm like this, only a few cows will make it back to the barn. Whenever that happens, I never ever give them the entire load of hay. I only give 'em what they need."

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